


An Earnest Desire of Grey

by noodlefucker



Category: Persona 3, Persona Series
Genre: FUCKITY DUCKFUCK, Gen, I FUCKED UP I DONT REMEMBER HOW THE STORY WAS SUPPOSED TO GO, OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, SHITTTTTTT, this is goign to be a fuckn ride i jsut know it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-18 14:18:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2351435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodlefucker/pseuds/noodlefucker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Ken killed first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ken roleswap with shinji

He's barely a week old and things have already gone to shit. His dad's found out about his existence. He's cut his girlfriend off from him, the way Shinjiro's cord was cut from his mother not so long ago-- forcefully, terminally; with a rusty back-alley knife.

Things don't go as he'd expect from there. Between cops drilling students about sex, drugs, and violence throughout the latter middle school years and high school, he'd expected to have died at most a few days later. He didn't. His mother received the help and support needed from her family, and lived a difficult, but good life from then on. She was kind, so kind, so forgiving, and so goddamned strong. She made friends with other women like herself, and advocated for all the right things. She was respected even by the most conservative of the neighbourhood. What a fine young lady, people would say. Shinjiro, she'd named him. But she'd only ever call him Shinji. It was his name, and he loved it, because of her. It was always thanks to her. Everything was.

She died anyways.

He's 16 years old. Near-top student in his grade, mid-90s in all his subjects. No glasses, no pimples, no braces, no iffy pubescent voice (anymore). Just simple and proper and all-around admirable. Pretty good athlete, superior academics, and kind-hearted towards children and animals as well. Everyday, he feeds the neighborhood stray that'd lost its owner. 16, and so well-liked everywhere and anywhere.

16, so revered by the younger students of Gekkoukan, so preferred by tween fiction authors, such a typical teenager age. Maturing, both physically and mentally, learning, growing. He's growing into a fine young man, the family friends tell him. He'll be out and making a living before long. They grow up in the blink of an eye.

16, he learns, isn't worth jack shit.

Dark brown hair, short and clean, a prim and proper uniform, and a much-loved beanie (but only on weekends out). He's that kind of person, that kind of _kid_.

So when his mother dies in an accident, he's no longer a kid. He's learned things just aren't fair. There are criminals; thieves, liars, and cheats that deserve far worse. His mother's done nothing. And now he's left all alone just for having been born. It just ain't fucking right.

It just ain't fucking right.

But Tatsumi Port Island is a pretty big city, and it's a few days before his mother's colleagues realize she's been absent without reason. When they call, Shinjiro doesn't pick up. When they call again, Shinjiro doesn't pick up. They wait two days, and call again. Shinjiro doesn't pick up. His school calls. He unplugs all the phones and takes out all the batteries. He turns all the lights off so people don't think of ringing up his apartment. He slowly gets used to the smell of the refrigerator.

The next day, the police comes in. Shinjiro doesn't open the door for them. They ask again. Shinjiro says no. They ask again. He says no. He doesn't relent. Later, they kick down the door. It's the first time he's held at gunpoint. (He thinks foolishly it'll be his last.) The police ask him some questions. He complies with their demands.

Cops, he's already realized, are idiots. They can't set things right, truly serve justice to whoever it was that killed her. And now, it's not until nearly a year later, in early September, after having been thrown around the family like some ugly duckling, they finally decide for him to settle with his (other) uncle. He says okay. (He doesn't give a damn at this point.)

His uncle is shit.

(Everyone's shit, compared to his mother.)

He observes carefully. Every household he's had to stay with has had their own little thing, their own little button to push that drives them crazy and drives him off to another family. It only takes him two or three days to figure it out this time. Practice makes perfect, and the fruit of his report is as follows: his uncle is ever the drunken old man, irresponsible and neglectful. The fact that he is simply lonesome and remorseful about whatever had happened in his long life, and would never hurt a bug, much less Shinjiro, is something kept in another folder. It isn't useful information for now. For now.

(Perfect.) He tells the social worker his uncle's been beating him. That night, he goes out on his bicycle. Shinjiro heads out along the bridge, humming like he's just on a leisure ride. He smiles to himself like a dolt, genuinely, because it wouldn't be appropriate to let hysteria burst out all at once. Around the time the traffic thins out, he crashes into a few poles (he considers cars, but that might be going too far). He heads home with a slight limp, mission nigh accomplished. His uncle's already drooling on the couch. Shinjiro takes a drink from the rows in the perpetually open cupboard and downs it. He wonders if his uncle ever even notices the exponential disappearance of his stash. Shinjiro goes outside and smashes the glass bottle in the back so as not to make too much noise.

He cuts up his arms and face a little bit with the shards, making sure to draw blood. Then, he takes off all his clothes and cuts there as well. The more implications, he figures, the better. He scatters the rest around and in his uncle's hand, making sure the man's fingerprints cover his own. Shinjiro sits down on a kitchen chair. Everything stings.

He drifts off a little and wakes up at around three a.m.. His head hurts, and as does most of him, still. His uncle's still asleep. Shinjiro calls the social worker again. He's no actor, but wee hours of the morning tend to impair others' judgement as well. He cracks his voice when he asks, pleads, fucking outright begs for her to come get him out of there.

"I'm sorry, Aragaki-kun. I didn't know it was this bad. Someone will be over to get you in a few hours. Stay strong."

"Okay," Shinjiro chokes, and hangs up. (He's actually choking in laughter.)

A few minutes later, and he's all packed up. Better earlier than later, he figures, to increase perceived desperation. In his schoolbag, he's got a change of clothes, some junk food, and schoolwork. He's made sure to wear a t-shirt and shorts to show off his latest handywork. He picks at the scab on his forehead.

He waits. He waits. He waits.

As he sits there, waiting, he realizes he shouldn't be at all. What the hell was he doing? Why should he wait? Why should he wait for someone to pick him up, someone else to make up petty sob stories to, someone else's home to go to, someone fucking else to toss him around like a cheap cigar? Why wait? His mother died for no reason. Just up and went and passed on. Why wait? The same could happen to him at any given second.

Now he's pissed and he feels even shittier than usual. His head hurts, but his thoughts are entirely clear, if seen through lens of determined, reckless audacity. So in a single, concise moment, he makes the decision. Shinjiro strides over to the sofa and shakes his uncle gently, making sure he's still only half-awake before asking for his signature. Just in case the need arises for 'legal guardian's approval'. It's a groggy, slow process, but between the man's seemingly permanent hangover and the fact being it's not yet 4 in the morning, he manages to obtain his uncle's print. (He considers asking for credit card information, but that could arouse more suspicion.) "Thanks. Go back to sleep now."

"What time is it?"

Shinjiro tells him the time. His uncle curses loudly, drops his head back onto the sofa, and falls asleep again like he's just died. Shinjiro slinks off to the kitchen. The social worker would be here at 6 at the earliest, if she's someone not married to the job (thankfully, he's monitored her like anyone else, and he's most certain she is). That leaves two more hours.

But he's made up his mind already. Shinjiro reaches for the phone for what will probably be the last time in a while. "Hi. It's Aragaki Shinjiro."

"Aragaki-kun, we'll be there soon. Is it very urgent?"

"Actually, no, no. I wanted to take back what I said."

"What do you mean?"

He pauses, and holds in his laughter. "Well... promise you won't tell?"

"Aragaki-kun, you know you can tell me anything."

"Even something... not legal?"

She hesitates. "Of course."

It's tough from there on out, but only because he's on the very edge of bursting into giggles. Shinjiro tells her of this guy he knows, a friend of a friend, and he knows this guy, right, and drugs, he knows drugs, and Shinjiro doesn't, right? (He figures she knows he used to be one of those good kids from good backgrounds, so he doesn't really need to go any further.) So stuff happened and he got confused and emotional and he's fine now though his head really hurts but it's fine, really, no need to worry, there was some strong stuff in there, probably hallucinogens, Shinjiro says, I heard of that in health class, it's bad and it causes hallucinations, they seemed so real, he adds, wow, he says, anyways, so his uncle didn't actually hurt him at all, and was actually trying to help him, but the stuff warped his perception so he mistook his intent. Shinjiro says there's no need to come rescue him or whatever, and that he's very sorry to have interrupted her sleep. No, no, he says, when she insists, my uncle does get pretty mad if you wake him up early-- trust me, you don't want to deal with that.

She finally lets him off the hook with: "I'm just glad you're safe, Aragaki-kun."

"Thank you. I'm really, really sorry for the trouble. Please don't tell anyone what I told you."

"Of course not. Goodnight. Get some sleep."

"You too, Matsui-san." He hangs up.

Bags packed anew (the only difference is no schoolwork and more painkillers), Shinjiro looks around for anything else. He grabs a toothbrush, though he can't imagine he'll find use for it. He looks around some more, grabs any knife that cuts, stuffs it into his bag. Maybe he'll get a chance to upgrade his arsenal later.

Lastly, amid the severe lack of veggies in the kitchen, he spots the cupboard. Why not take one for the road? He takes out yet another and puts it in his bag. It's kind of heavy. He closes the cupboard. His uncle's really got to cut down. Not like Shinjiro personally wants him to die, but whatever. Not his business, not his problem. He's hungry. Looks around in the fridge. Gets some things. Makes a sandwich. Eats it. Drinks a glass of water. Cleans up.

He takes his keys and locks the door behind him. The sun's begun to rise over the other side of the horizon. Pale light streams in over the rooftops, all shaped like telephone wires and chimneys. It's quiet. A car whizzes by. It's cold. Shinjiro takes out his peacoat. He changes into a pair of long black pants at the entrance to the apartment building. He pulls his beanie down to his eyes. The big cut on his forehead's bleeding again. He picks at it. He slings his bag over his shoulders, and walks away. He doesn't look back.

(There's nothing for him to fall back on anyway.)


	2. Chapter 2

He's done some things he's not proud of, things he wouldn't dream of telling good, regular people.

He's not sure how, half a year later, he ends up with Sanada Akihiko, third-year at Gekkoukan High School, captain of the boxing team. Sanada Akihiko, pale hair, dark eyes, and unknowingly charming smiles. Sanada Akihiko, the orphan, without not only his parents but his sister. Sanada Akihiko, Persona user that fights monsters at night for the sake of the world and beyond. 

Aki.


	3. Chapter 3

It was bullshit, really. Shinjiro'd managed to evade all and any officials or guardians for so long. All throughout the freezing winter months, then burning summer heat, and the lack of anything decent to wear, to eat, to own. He was fine. Absolutely fucking fine. He'd managed to fit in with people like himself, people that understood him. There was a ragtag bunch of misfits like him that lived in the places not illuminated by streetlight. Sakaki, Shirato, Yoshino. Strega. He wasn't friends with them, he was never friends with anyone, but they were people. Connections. He used those to have somewhere to stay when the snow piled up to his knee outside. He was fine. Fine.

He'd stayed with them for a great deal of the time between his uncle and his now. He'd naturally watched, as usual, and learned things. 'Things' barely being plural. One: Sakaki is the boss. Two: Shirato's loyalty is boundless. Three: No one gives a damn about Yoshino. That's it. He doesn't learn at all where they're from nor what they're seeking to do (he knows they're working on something because they always sneak out right before midnight, when they think he isn't watching). It's maybe not an optimal situation, but it's fine. He's alive and kicking, and that's all that matters. 

It isn't like he just sat on his ass the whole time. He's had to scrounge for money and food. It's been fucking awful at times, but it is what it is. It's fine, though. He's gotten a chance to learn some things for if life really starts going downhill and he ends up homeless or something. For now, he does his best to stay alive, and when he's not doing that, he's lending Strega a hand with God knows what. It's not like it'll hurt to help the people that helped him back. In fact, it just boosts his rep, so when they tell him to make whoever or whatever disappear, he complies. (They've got guns.) Sometimes, they even share some of their uncut product with him. It's a lot better than what he buys from the punkasses down the street, and it's free. Things aren't bad at all. He has it pretty good.

It's a little later on, when spring rolls around, and the trees are ever in bloom, he thinks he's mellowed out a bit. The year before was utter shit. Dead mom, brain-dead relatives, dead-eyed officials and social workers who can't do anything. But now, the cherry petals are aflutter with signs of hope, and he thinks that maybe he'll be fine from then on.

So, on a blustery April day, he's out running another errand for Takaya when someone calls out to him. 

"Aren't you Aragaki-kun?" 

"Why?"

"I was just wondering. Are you him?"

"What's it to you?" 

"You haven't been to school in over half a year. Your teachers were worried. You're in my class."

"Fuck off." Shinjiro watches and thinks, dammit, he ain't scared at all. Of all the people to recognize him on the streets, it's some nobody from his old school.

"Okay. Why haven't you been coming to school?"

"What does it look like?"

"Do you have anywhere to stay?"

"Yes."

"Okay. What should I tell the teachers?"

"Nothing."

"Okay." 

"You won't give me away to the police." 

"Of course not," he says, and smiles. "See you around?"

Shinjiro gives him the finger and leaves.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dates are mm/dd/yy btw

04/09/09

  
The guy's waiting for Shinjiro there the next day like some kind of fucking creep. He waves. Shinjiro leaves.

 

04/12/09

  
Shinjiro sees him again. "What do you want?"

"How're things?"

"Fine."

"How're you holding up?"

"Well."

"Can I see where you live?"

"No."

"There's space in my dorm, just saying."

"No."

"Okay."

04/13/09

  
"You busy?"

"Leave."

"What do you do over here if you don't live here?"

04/16/09

  
"There's a second-year in the dorm who's slept for a week straight. He woke up just today."

"Good for him."

04/17/09

  
"I brought you some food."

"Why?"

"I know you'll take it."

Shinjiro takes out his knife.

04/19/09

  
"I'll be busy tomorrow night, so I won't be able to come see you."

"Great."

"I'll still come in the afternoon."

"You scored with a chick or something?"

04/20/09

  
"I need to leave soon, so I'll have to wrap it up here."

"Don't keep her waiting."

"I'm saying hi to the new kid in the dorm, asshole. The one that slept for a week."

"Okay."

04/24/09

"Hey."

"Said you'd be back the day after."

"I did not."

"Whatever."

04/25/09

"Hi again."

"Do you even have a life?"

"I'm offended. I'm captain of the boxing team of Gekkoukan High School, I'll have you know."

"Oh, wow, like fists can do shit against guns."

"I'll show you some other day."

04/27/09

"Look."

"That's not a gun, pussy."

04/28/09

"Yo, stalker."

"That's not my name. I'm Sanada Akihiko."

"Fucking creep, coming to see me every other day."

"Today's the first time you've greeted me first."

04/30/09

"Why are you always slacking off here if you're captain of wrestling team?"

"Boxing team."

"Useless."

"Well, I'm injured right now, and I'm actually getting a checkup tomorrow."

"Cool. Good luck."

05/01/09

"Hey, Aragaki-kun. Didn't think you'd come see me here. I'm just about done."

"Didn't say you could call me by that name."

"What do you want me to call you?"

He doesn't hesitate.

"Shinjiro."

05/02/09

"Thanks for coming to see me yesterday."

"Whatever. Who were those kids?"

"The second-years from my dorm. What do you think?"

"What the hell kind of question is that? I don't care. Which one's the sleeping one?"

"Arisato-kun. He's the one with long-ish hair and blue eyes."

"You buddy-buddy with them or something? Why'd they come see you?"

"Asked them to bring me something, is all. I'm not really that close to anyone."

"Huh. Well, we've got something in common, at least."

05/03/09

"Yo."

"Hey." Sanada smiles.

05/05/09

"Seriously, even if you're injured, you should at least have friends."

"I do."

"Why do you always come over here, then?"

05/06/09

"Oh, yeah, just a heads up; I won't be here on the 9th."

"Why're you telling me this? It's not like you tell me for every day you don't come over."

"Just saying."

"Come on, what's so important on that day, anyways? Someone woke up from a week-long coma again?"

"Nah, just a full moon."

"You like a werewolf or something?"

"Worse." Sanada laughs.

05/07/09

"Shinjiro."

"What's up?"

"Brought takoyaki."

"About damned time."

05/08/09

"Man, I'm so tired. I should go to sleep early tonight, ugh, I'll probably be up pretty late tomorrow."

"Have fun at your werewolf party."

"I'll invite you if you promise you won't die."

"I don't have life insurance at the moment. Maybe next time."

"You'd look like you'd do pretty well at the party."

"Yeah? Why?"

"Well, you have an axe, for one."

"I ain't got silver bullets or nothing. Isn't that the killing blow?"

"It's not about werewolves, I already told you."

"Whatever. Tell me all about your vampire party when you get back."

"If I get back."

05/10/09

"How was it?"

"It wasn't bad. The second-years did pretty well, especially Arisato-kun. He's a natural leader."

"Glad to hear it. How many werewolves did you destroy with your bare hands?"

"None, sadly. I'm still considered a hindrance in my current state."

"Hindrance to what?"

"Battle."

"You a gang member?"

"I'll show you when I heal up."

05/11/09

"Honestly, I bet those second-years you're so fond of have more friends than you."

"Oh, definitely. Takeba is one of the most popular girls in her grade, Arisato seems to make friends as easily as he breathes, and Iori's right up there with them."

"Jealous?"

"Never really thought of it that way. You?"

"Why would I be jealous?"

"Friends are good things to have."

Shinjiro shrugs.

05/15/09

"Good news, doctor says I'm just about healed. That means I'll get to start training again."

"Good to hear. So, you'll let me in on your full moon fiasco or what?"

"I would, Shinjiro, I would, but midterms are coming up and I've really got to study."

"Fucking tease."

"I'll come see you after exams, promise."

"I'll take your word for it. Good luck, man."

He smiles.

05/23/09

"Shinjiro."

"Yo. What kept you?"

"Exams, remember? Geez. Here, brought some snacks."

"Congrats on finishing midterms. As a gift, I'll eat your food for you."

"I'm starving, too. Hey, don't hog all of that, you scrub."

"How were exams?"

"Alright, I guess. The usual. I'm surprised you haven't been caught by the cops or something yet."

"Well, technically high school isn't mandatory."

"Right. You have the Japanese government to thank for your ass."

"Oh, I do give thanks for my ass."

"Were you lonely without me?"

"Totally. I just smoked weed and cried all day."

"Don't do that."

"I'll try not to. Hey, so, tell me about your goddamned werewolf party already."

"Didn't bring my gun today. Tomorrow."

"That fake toy gun you showed me like a month ago? Do you stress over costume parties or something?"

"No. Tomorrow. I promise I'll show you tomorrow."

05/24/09

"That's not even a real gun. What the hell is that thing?"

"Persona."

It all begins there.

05/26/09

"Why didn't you come see me yesterday? Dammit, Akihiko, you knew I'd have burning questions about... that."

"What do you think?"

"About Persona? Absolutely fucking badass, obviously. Give it to me."

"I would, but only people with the potential can have one, and they need to go through an awakening of sorts."

"How do I awaken?"

"You use the Evoker. The pistol. On your own head."

"Did you bring it?"

"No. I won't let you use it."

"Why not?"

"I refuse to drag you into this."

"Drag me into it."

"No."

"Come on."

"No."

"Fucker."

05/29/09

"Akihiko. You mad at me?"

"No. Are you?"

"What? No. Why?"

"You seemed angry that night."

"Well, I guess, but it's your call."

"Thanks. I appreciate that."

06/01/09

"Man, it's almost summer already. When's vacation start?"

"Like, late July. Did you forget everything or what?"

"More or less. Will you be busy during summer break?"

"Maybe. I'll come here when I can, though."

"That's good. I'm looking forward to it."

"Same here."

06/02/09

"Hey, who else is in your dorm?"

"Other than those second-years, there's Kirijo Mitsuru, who's Student Council President, and me."

"How's she?"

"She can be scary sometimes, I guess. We go way back to middle school, though, when she recruited me for... this thing. With Personae. Why do you ask?"

"Dunno. Just curious."

"Oh man, are you wanting to move to the dorm or something?"

"No, asshole. Just curious, dammit!"

"Whatever, dude, just think about it."

"I've been doing that for a while, if you must know."

Akihiko smiles. So does Shinjiro.

06/04/09

"Probably shouldn't ask, but where are your parents?"

"Mom died in an accident last year, Dad was an asshat and left."

"I see. I'm an orphan as well."

"Oh. Really? That sounds... sad."

"Does it? It happened when I was really young, though, so I don't remember much."

"Yeah, but that's like... never having had a mother."

"I guess. What's it like?"

"I don't think words would do it justice. But she'd always call me Shinji, you know, like as a nickname."

"Anyone else call you that?"

"Some friends when I was little, but not anymore."

"Would you mind if someone called you that now?"

"Depends who."

"Me."

06/05/09

"Were you an only child?"

"Yeah. You?"

"No. I had a little sister. She died in a fire."

"You've been through a lot."

"Not compared to you, I don't think."

"I don't know about that. Childhood makes you who you are later on, right?"

"Probably. It's why I took up boxing in the first place; so that I could protect the people I care about if anything ever happened again."

"Seriously? That's actually really sweet. I thought you were just one of those sweaty jock guys."

"Officially offended."

06/07/09

"Yo, Aki."

"New name for me? I like it."

"Yeah, well. Last night, your second-years came by picking a fight with the local punkasses and nearly got their shit handed to them because they wanted to ask me about some ghost story. Arisato said you sent them."

"Right. About that."

"Don't pull that kinda thing. You'll get them in some real danger one of these days, if I ain't around."

"Sorry. It was about Yamagishi Fuuka, right?"

"What about her? She's the girl that's been dead or missing or whatever for a week, right? Heh, maybe she fell into a deep sleep like Arisato, too."

"I think she may have the potential. As a Persona user. She could help our cause, so I've been looking for her."

"What's your cause, anyways? And who's 'we'?"

"S.E.E.S.."

"That some weird American crap?"

"No, it's the name. It's 'Specialized Extracurricular Execution Squad', and registered with Gekkoukan as a club by invitation only, which is why we live collectively in a school dorm."

"How the hell did you get the school to reserve a dorm for ghostbeast-killers?"

"Mitsuru's father has quite some power, so she was able to pull some strings."

"Wait, that mean your place isn't gender-segregated?"

"Well, yeah. So?"

"Nevermind. You're evidently not a ladies' man."

"Evidently. I'm glad someone agrees."

"Wait, what the hell are you implying?"

"Yeah. Uh. Anyways, tomorrow is a full moon."

"Oh. Right. Good luck."

"Thanks, Shinji."

06/12/09

"So?"

"We rescued her. Yamagishi."

"Neat. What happened?"

"She was stuck inside Tartarus."

"That a brand of toothpaste?"

"It's like a hidden dungeon in our city that appears at midnight. Well, right before. There's like a hidden hour in between 11:59 and 12, called the Dark Hour, and that's not something experienced by normal everyday people."

"I hope you're not pulling my leg here. How's she now?"

"Fine, actually. She doesn't have the best home situation, so she's readily agreed to help us out."

"That's good. Good luck with your missions from here on out. Be careful."

"That's a new one. Thank you."

06/14/09

"Why do you always wear that beanie?"

"Long story. Thing on my forehead scarred pretty bad, and I had short hair at the time, so I wore this to cover up."

"Aragaki Shinjiro, short hair? I don't believe it."

"I was the shit, dude, you'd better believe it."

"Yeah. I remember."

06/15/09

"Where'd you get that axe from, anyways?"

"Employers."

"You have a job?"

"Yeah."

"You cut down trees or something? No way."

"Hell no. I do cut down other things, though."

"I'm not stopping you, but would you ever carry it out if it were someone from S.E.E.S.?"

"I'll try not to."

"What about me?"

"Never."

06/16/09

"You're giving me the Evoker."

"Lending. Let's try it tonight."

"Really?"

"Really. We could use your strength and abilities on the team."

"Superficial."

"I have my own reasons for wanting you in S.E.E.S., of course."

"Of course."

06/17/09

"Dammit. Why?"

"I'm sorry."

"Fucking dammit! Why can't I awaken? Why don't I get a Persona?"

"I'm sorry."

"Fuck you! You told me about all this, got me all excited, got me thinking maybe I could actually have friends, have a goddamned family for once, and now I find out I can't even do jack shit!"

"I'm sorry."

"Piss off."

06/19/09

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"I didn't mean what I said. Dammit, I just don't want to be left out again, you know?"

"Yeah. I know."

"It just ain't fucking right."

"Yeah. I know."

06/21/09

"Shinji."

"What's up?"

"Nothing." Aki smiles.

06/22/09

"Hey, I just realized summer officially began yesterday. I think. I'm pretty excited."

"Vacation yet?"

"No. Just summer. It's already burning, I'm going to have to bust out the shorts and t-shirts pretty soon."

"Give me some."

"You should come over and choose the ones you want. The 26th is a Friday."

"It's a date."

06/23/09

"We should fight."

"Fight what?"

"Each other. A fistfight."

"What the hell? Why?"

"It'll be fun."

"It'll hurt pretty bad, but I completely agree."

06/24/09

"Did you even hold back at all? God, fucking boxing kids."

"You're a pretty tough guy, though, you handled it well."

"Well, I don't exactly punch people by day and monsters by night as a high school job."

"I don't always punch, sometimes I cast spells."

"That's so badass."

06/25/09

"Shinji."

"What's up?"

"What do you want to do with your life?"

"I dunno. Die."

"I don't want you to die."

"I'll try not to, then."

06/26/09

"Your dorm is pretty nice. The kids here are cute."

"You're only a year older than them. Get your dirty shoes off my bed."

"Are you busy tonight?"

"Don't think so. We probably aren't going to Tartarus."

"Mind if I stay?"

06/28/09

"Hey."

"Hi."

"You know, I was going to ask you."

"Ask me what?"

"What do you want to do? With your life?"

"I don't know. To save people. Like I couldn't do with my sister."

"That's so you."

"Huh?"

06/29/09

"Bring your Evoker."

"Why?"

"I'll try again."

"You don't have it in you."

"It doesn't matter. I'll keep trying. Not like there's anything else for me to do in my life, anyways."

"Shinji."

"Do you trust me?"

07/02/09

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did I awaken this time? How?"

"I don't know, Shinji."

07/04/09

"I know why."

"Why?"

"The Evoker provokes a psychological reaction when you pull the trigger, you know."

"So?"

"There was a clear difference between this time and the last."

"And what was it?"

"That's what I don't understand."

07/05/09

"I get it now, Aki."

"What was the change?"

"This time, I was scared of dying."

07/06/09

"It's a full moon tomorrow."

"You've been observing it now, too?"

"What's so special about full moons, anyway?"

"On full moon nights, an extra-powerful Shadow appears. Did I tell you about that yet? They wreak havoc outside of Tartarus on those nights, so we need to eliminate them."

"Do you just do it forever?"

"Hopefully not. We've already taken down a few. If we take down twelve, I think we may be able to eliminate the Dark Hour, and therefore the danger they pose to mankind."

"Just be careful."

07/09/09

"How did it go?"

"It wasn't bad. I got stuck in a room at the love hotel with one of the second-years."

"What the hell?"

"Nothing much happened, if you want to know, but I bet something went down between Arisato and Takeba. We got separated."

"Damn, a perfect excuse, and you get stuck with the goatee? Sucks."

"Well, we did what we needed to do, and that's what counts."

"Yeah. I guess."

07/10/09

"Aki."

"What?"

"When are you going to let me join S.E.E.S.?"

"I'm not bringing you into this."

"You already have. And it ain't like I'm not flirting with danger everyday as is."

"Fine. I'll see what I can do."

07/12/09

"Mitsuru gave us the go-ahead."

"Sweet."

"We're getting another dorm-mate, though, soon."

"Another Gekkoukan kid?"

"Yeah. And by kid, I mean kid. He's like. Eleven."

"And he can summon a Persona? That's crazy."

"I don't know. I kind of have a bad feeling. Hold off on this for a little while."

07/14/09

"You're thinking that little kid's evil or something?"

"No, it's just... I don't know. He killed someone."

"Oh."

"Manslaughter, but still."

"How did it happen?"

"I don't know. He'll be coming on the 18th. I'll ask him then."

07/17/09

"How much longer until your summer vacation starts?"

"In about a week, I think. Oh, and I'm leaving on a trip on Monday. Four days, three nights."

"Where you going?"

"Yakushima, with the rest of S.E.E.S.."

"Isn't that an island? Have fun there. Bring me some souvenirs, too."

"Mitsuru probably won't want me getting my grubby hands on anything, but I'll do my best."

07/18/09

"Shinji."

"Hey."

"What was your mother's name?"

07/24/09

"How was Yakushima?"

"Pretty interesting. We lived in a huge place owned by Mitsuru's father for free. Junpei-- Iori-- wanted to pick up girls, but that didn't really work out. A girl proclaimed love for Minato-- Arisato-- but she's actually a robot. And now she's joined S.E.E.S. as well."

"Wow."

"I brought you a seashell."

"Oh, right. Thanks, man."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Amada Ken."

"I don't know what to think about that just yet."

"I see."

"Oh, yeah. Last night, Strega came to see me again."

"I thought you lived with them."

"I've been kind of drifting lately."

"So, what happened?"

"They asked me why S.E.E.S. was climbing the tower, and getting busy on full moon nights."

"You told them."

"I did."

07/25/09

"You know, Takaya seemed pretty shocked about it."

"About S.E.E.S.?"

"Yeah. Like, he was saying shit like why you'd want to eliminate the Dark Hour and the Tower of Demise or whatever with the power you have. Crazy fucking bastards."

07/26/09

"They came again last night."

"Strega?"

"Takaya's starting to realize what you guys are trying to do. Be careful."

"You be careful, too. You're closest to them, but that doesn't mean you're in the least danger."

"I know. He knows how often I talk to you, and that I've been to the dorm before. He said if I helped you guys, he'd take care of me the same way."

"Do you want an Evoker made?"

"I guess so. Just in case. Does anyone in your dorm know about me?"

"Other than Mitsuru and the director, I haven't mentioned your potential elsewhere."

"Thanks. I'll see what I can do about Strega."

"Be careful."

07/28/09

"Here."

"Thanks. Hopefully I don't get this confused with any real guns."

"That's a downside to your lifestyle, I guess."

"It'd be an awful way to die. Probably written off as suicide."

"Your Persona is Castor, right?"

"Yeah. I've never seen him in battle before."

"Are you awake during the Dark Hour now?"

"Yeah. I haven't been hanging around Strega as much, because if I slept where they did, they'd know I've awakened."

"That's horrible. Where do you even sleep at night?"

"Wherever, I guess. And the dorm isn't exactly an option anymore, either."

"Sorry."

07/30/09

"Hey. Finally got an entire day off to myself."

"Summer break's started?"

"Sure has. Want to go see a movie or something?"

"Hell yeah."

07/31/09

"I fought some Shadows last night."

"First time?"

"Yeah. You never told me Tartarus was Gekkoukan."

"Convenient, isn't it?"

"I guess. I'm getting fucking axe blisters. Whoever's heard of that?"

"You could just say you're really hardcore about monkey bars and jungle gyms."

08/02/09

"Holy crap, you never told me you were this good at cooking."

"Beside my axe-wielding job, I'm a cook at a backwater restaurant."

"That's insane."

"Damn right it is."

08/03/09

"Does S.E.E.S. ever ask why you come out here to the back alley all the time?"

"Yeah. I say I've got a friend here."

"And they don't question that?"

"Being senpai has its perks."

08/04/09

"Full moon on the 6th."

"Yeah. Good luck."

"I'm feeling pretty good about it. I've been training a lot recently, and so has Polydeuces. I think it'll be alright."

"What's that?"

"My Persona. Come to think of it, aren't Polydeuces and Castor brothers or something in Greek mythology?"

"Dunno. Aren't they from astrology?"

"I'll check it out when I get back."

08/07/09

"I met Strega last night."

"Good that you're still alive."

"They tried to lock us in. They said that the full moon Shadows shouldn't be eliminated because they wanted to keep their power."

"Of Personae?"

"They are the worst."

08/09/09

"We got a new S.E.E.S. member."

"Gekkoukan kid?"

"Dog."

"What the hell?"

"Koromaru. The stray that lives at the shrine."

"The shiba inu without the owner?"

"Yeah. He can summon a Persona and fight."

"Holy shit. I was feeding the little guy just a few months ago."

"Come say hi to him."

"Amada."

"Right."

08/11/09

"Still, you can't run from Ken forever."

"He killed my mother. I'm this piece of scum right now because of him."

"He didn't even know he killed her until the chairman told him recently."

"Doesn't mean anything."

"Shinji, he was nine years old."

"I know. That's why I can't feel the way I want to feel about him."

08/12/09

"Has Strega shown up recently?"

"Not much. Why?"

"I feel that somehow that won't be the last time we see them."

"Don't let your guard down, is all I'm saying."

08/14/09

"Shinji."

"What?"

"You know about how the number of The Lost are rising?"

"Oh, those doomsday cult guys? What about them?"

"Apathy Syndrome, I'm pretty sure, decreases for a while after we defeat every full moon Shadow."

"Which means?"

"Apathy Syndrome, The Lost, and The Fall are all related to Shadows, Personae, and Tartarus."

"Is your little secret society's business going mainstream?"

"If that's the case, things could get very bad."

"Pray you won't end up a lab rat somewhere."

08/15/09

"I looked it up."

"What are you talking about?"

"Castor and Polydeuces. They're the twins. Gemini."

"Heh, maybe that's why we were able to become friends so quickly."

"Meet me at the bridge before sunrise tomorrow."

"Why?"

08/16/09

"There."

"What about it?"

"That's the constellation Gemini."

"You're saying those are our Personae?"

"Yeah. Isn't that nice?"

"It is. The sun's rising behind it now, too."

"Shinji."

"Yeah?"

"Please come back to school."

"No way."

"Please come to the dorm."

"No."

08/17/09

"Shinji."

"No."

"The situation's getting worse, and you know it."

"I can't."

"You're the only one who can help us out with Strega."

"I can't."

08/18/09

"Dammit, Shinjiro, you know you can't keep living like this forever."

"Then what the hell do you think I can do? The dorm's no better place for someone like me."

"The people at the dorm all come from questionable backgrounds, and have lost a lot. They'll understand."

"Will they when I kill one of theirs?"

08/19/09

"Fuck off, Aki."

"I'm not asking this time. You've got to deal with it sooner than later."

08/22/09

"Strega's going to eat me alive for this."

"But we'll be there to protect you when they do."

"Will you?"

"I will."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

08/24/09

"How's the legal affairs going?"

"Pretty well. Mitsuru's arranged for some more strings to be pulled. Parental approval or not, you're scheduled to be legally living in the dorm from September 2nd on."

"Do I have to go to school?"

"She couldn't get you out of that one."

"More like didn't want to. Alright, I'll go."

08/27/09

"Do you have anything to bring?"

"Not really. I've just been wondering how to conceal an axe this big."

08/28/09

"Will you be ready to fight by the next full moon? It's in just over a week."

"Probably. It'll certainly be easier than fighting on your lonesome."

"I'll have your back."

"Same here."

08/30/09

"Does Amada know?"

"Know what?"

"Who I am. What he did."

"He doesn't know your identity or that of your mother, no. It's probably for the best. It wouldn't do anyone any good to have tension in the group on top of everything else."

"Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Don't forget, you're their senpai, too. It's just one of the burdens."

"I'm not strong enough of a person to keep it inside of me for long."

"Shinji, I believe in you."

"You're making a mistake, Aki."

"I believe in you."


	5. Chapter 5

As much as he'd love to just sit around wherever in the city and just hang around with Akihiko, life still goes on. Strega's running him dogged, he's torn between half-right and half-wrong, and his future is muddled, but not quite dark. A lot of what he does between Strega and Aki occurs in firsts.

The first time he kills a person is with his uncle's largest kitchen knife, as Strega watches, deciding whether or not to take him in.

The first time he holds his axe, it's so heavy he can barely use it. Soon enough, it's the only thing he uses.

The first time he sleeps on the streets is in July, when his old spot in the alley is overtaken by fear of discovery.

The first time he sees a Persona is the first time he realizes just what handsome luck he's had to have met him. 

The first time he summons his own is an explosion; a split second where he catches his breath only to have it all knocked away again.

The first time he utters the name of his mother's murderer, he can't bring himself to be angry, and that terrifies him.

The first time he fights a Shadow he finds himself shaking, and thinking of a single person as he runs along the silent, greenlit streets.

And now, the first time he moves into the dorm, and smiles at her killer.


	6. Chapter 6

It's during the Dark Hour he arrives, axe out in the open, strolling casually behind Aki. A chunk of the dorm is away at Tartarus, they tell him, but the ones there greet him anyways. The first thing he notices is that Amada isn't there. The second thing is that they are scared. 

They look at him warily-- Yamagishi, Kirijo, Takeba, Iori, Aigis. It's his appearance, his mannerisms, his eyes, eyes of cold steel and of a colder life. He doesn't bother smiling. "Hey. I'm Aragaki Shinjiro."

They greet him in turn, out of necessity, almost, and Aki wraps it up with no more grace. "So, um, we'll go and get settled, now, and, uh, okay. I hope we can all get along."

Shinjiro nods at the members in turn and follows Aki up the stairs. No further words are exchanged for the moment, though Kirijo vaguely reminds them to come back downstairs in a bit so that everyone can be formally introduced when the members at Tartarus come back. Shinjiro wrinkles his nose. 

The third floor smells of junk food and desperately purchased cologne. "This is my room," says Aki. "This one's Iori's, and this one's Amada's."

"Which one's Arisato's?"

"On the girls' floor."

"How the hell?"

"Yeah. So, here's your room."

Shinjiro stares at the plain door, identical to every other. "I love it. Very unique. Tasteful."

"Ladies first," Aki says. Shinji snorts and opens the door, but the deep breath he takes isn't enough. 

The room is plain, boring, and exhilarating. Shinjiro stands in the doorway, transfixed, as Aki pushes past him and flops down on the bed. The walls are plain brown, the ceiling in respectable condition, the floor hardwood, the desk stained with coffee. There's an old computer that looks to have been recently wiped of dust. There's not much of interest, and yet there's too much to see. It's his own room, his own damned room, and the words alone make him burst with joy. A mattress, fresh sheets, actual flooring, a table, a chair, and lighting that's not from a dim, sputtering streetlight; there is no hell. 

Shinji leaps onto the mattress and pins Aki in a great big hug. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Anytime."

Shinji grins, a crooked-teeth kind of sincerity, eyes alight. "I can't believe it's been this long since I've had someplace to stay."

"Hopefully we can give back to you the kind of life you should've had."

Shinjiro sits back down. "Not while Amada's here."

"What are you going to do about that?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I'll just help S.E.E.S. get to the end of this Shadow thing and then... I don't know. Maybe I'll become a plumber or something."

Aki shakes his head, and doesn't reply. They sit quietly, Shinjiro's thumb scratching idly against the handle of his axe. The only other thing he'd brought was a dirty schoolbag from years past, containing a kitchen knife, a lighter, a passport, a picture of his mother, and 1000 yen. There's no point unpacking. The clock ticks by slowly. It's quiet downstairs as well. Aki looks at him.

They kiss. It's not the first time, but Shinji's suddenly more scared than he's ever been. They're suddenly soft, innocent, confused; and that's wrong. They move slowly, hesitantly, as if they've suddenly realized how far they'd come and how farther yet they'd have to go. Aki's fingers brush against Shinji's cheek clumsily, as if they suddenly didn't belong there. There's no passion, only a wistful longing for something neither knows of.

Shinji pulls away because there's nothing they can say like this. And when he looks at Aki, he realizes there's nothing words can do either.

"The crew from Tartarus'll be back soon," Aki says after a while. "What'll you do?"

"About Amada?"

"Yeah."

"Nothing. For now."

"You can't keep going like this."

"I know," Shinji says, and thinks it over one last time. "It's the anniversary in about a month. October 4th. I'll settle things then."

Aki smiles at him, hopeful and bright in the dim green of the Dark Hour. "You promise?"

"Promise," Shinji says, and he smiles, and nothing's ever been more wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw you forget where your fic is going


End file.
